"We never sleep, cause sleep is for the weak." - Meaghan's Livejournal

I'm scared to go back to sleep because super early in the morning I had an absolutely terrifying nightmare that shook the bejeezus out of me. Like I don't want to go into detail because only close friends would probably understand some parts of it, and I know this because I don't understand all of it myself. All I know is that it means something. I'm scared to sleep now though. Don't you just hate it when you love something, like sleep, so much, but you never get any of it at all? Like the one thing you need and want you can't have. :-l I'm sure that applies in plenty of situations.

Anyways. So I've been waiting for someone to point out how much of a hypocrite I am, but no one has yet. But Dana decided to have a chat with me about how I am a crazy maisy and yeah, I finally just admitted it to myself that I'm a hypocrite because no one else will tell me the truth. Because there's hypocrite Christians that tell you not to destroy yourself but they turn around and do it. And most people understand that the person telling you that is just trying to save you from expense, but what they also don't understand is that most people follow by example. The majority gets confused when introduced to a new concept. Unless there is an example. Leaders lead by example. Leaders go first. Leaders lead. I have to be a leader in this situation, even if I'm a horrible leader and get lost a lot. This time I have a map though. And I'm quitting living this way. But I'm not quitting the commitment I made.

On the left, I added 2 new modules. The "sober" one is referring to what I'm quitting. I don't want to get into much detail because I seriously don't remember who I know has a link to this. I posted a link to it on myspace for a while like 1 and a half years ago but I don't remember if anyone bookmarked it, you know? I don't really trust the people I know in real life too much with sensitive information- just people like Dana and Meaghan. I'm so scared my family will one day see this, because then they'll ask questions, and that's not good. It's so much easier to trust people on the internet and to spill your heart to them. It may not be safer, but I think in this case it is. Alright, back to what I was saying. The second module with the pinky promise is my promise to not quit being the hero of faith when I stood at the cross. That was something that happened at Spirit West Coast. I'll post about that some other day. So yeah, those modules are there just for reference because Nutang has become my creeper-Jesus posting sanctuary. :l

Sorry this was filled with random babbling, I've got a lot on my mind.

Have a great day. :]

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I get really bored sometimes, and instead of doing homework or whatever like I should be, I do pathetic things like make horrible videos.



Yeah! So I'm really bad at animating things. :l

I was bored.

Anyways, thank you to all of the people who wished me a happy birthday on Nutang. I greatly appreciate it. :-)

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I got upset yesterday at church and wrote Kelly like 200 pages of angry Jesus notes but I condensed it to one page and cut out all of the bad stuff, and I think that generally worked out well. I refuse to give up until he's saved. I really hope that all of the nights I've stayed up writing him Jesus letters and praying are starting to pay off. My health is tired of it!

Today is my birthday. Dana and Athena each made a cake for me and it was like I was 5 again. Dude, I wish you guys knew! My face was like fireworks in July. In a good way, of course. I'm so lucky to have friends like that, it actually made me feel like I was worth something. That's also a good thing as well.



Nomnomnom. I don't think they realize how pleased I was by it. I shall scream about their graciousness all tomorrow.

I think I'm getting a new ipod, but I have to help pay for it, which is kinda weird since it's my birthday present but whatever. I'm cool with it. I just miss my music a lot and I'll be glad to have it 24/7 now.

Meaghan gave me an epic card and it even had a starfish (inspired by Spirit West Coast) so I rejoiced greatly over it.
And after this quarter in school ends, Ivy is going out on a date with us to Taco Bell. Haha. So that gives me something wonderful to look forward to.

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Please don't believe my words are lacking honesty.
I wish you wouldn't read the words I mean the most and then turn around and do things you know are wrong. It's like my words are meaningless, and I try so hard.
Some people would kill to have someone care this much.
People tell me I should hate you.
But I don't. And you take that for granted.
You got BUSTED.

I want to quit so bad. But I have to keep going.

---
I finished my spanish project today and I'm just going to reject the rest of the homeworkk because I'm sick and feel like shizz. But I will finish my Euro outlines and study for the test. And then I'll probably pray or listen to angsty music till I pass out.


So here's the truth
You were right all along
They were never my friends
And I was living a lie
But I wont fall for it next time
You figured me out
I'm like a leaf in the wind
I try to find who I am
But wind up lost in the end
Sometimes it's hard to know what's real when your not
Cause you know i'd change myself to impress whoever happens to be next to me
But I'm sick of trying so hard
Waste all your time with me
I know I'm a mess right now
Don't give up believe
I'd wait it out for you
Waste all your time with me
I know I'm a mess right now
Don't give up believe
I'd wait it out for you
Everyday I'm just making my rounds
Just digging a home 6 feet underground
Sometimes it's hard to know what's real when you're not
Nothings here for me
But you
I'd wait it out for you!
-armor for sleep

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